Twenty days ago everything changed.
As I write this, a squirmy little angel is sleeping next to me. The toiletries on my bathroom counter have been pushed aside to create a diaper changing station. Dozens of little outfits hang on mini pink hangers in the closet of our second bedroom. And while it will still be another year or so before I hear her call me by it, my new name is Mommy.
Welcome to the world, little Juliette.
If you’ve read some of my earlier posts, you know that motherhood was not exactly something I’d fantasized about since I was a little girl. And I tend to be rather slow to deeply bond to people. So holding this little one in my arms almost 24/7 has been an amazing journey!
She most definitely already has her own sweet, hilarious, and feisty personality.
I already feel the weight of being the best example to her that I can, while caring for myself without guilt so that I can maintain my full health (and sanity) and be a – hopefully – great example!
And I can absolutely sense the momma bear willingness to completely demolish anyone who would try to hurt her.
What else to say? I honestly still have no idea.
It feels like an emotional mountain to process what has happened over the last 10 months. From an act of love society blows off as casual and meaningless came a little soul with her own quirks, calling, and destiny, who grew from the size of a pea to an 8 pound person inside me without any intentional effort on my part, and then, with a lot of screaming – and praying, and a few choice words – sorry! – plopped out beneath me … and suddenly, I have a baby.
I promise I will share my thoughts with you as I figure out what they are. I am not one to write a bunch of fluff and I’d rather sit with and analyze my emotions and tell you the truth when I better understand myself.
For now, a few short sentiments, and some lessons relearned from this incredible event:
- I love this.
I am so so glad I did it, and I’m pretty fricking proud of myself.
At the same time, it’s going to take a while to get the courage up to do it again.
- Love grows and sneaks up on you.
As my husband loves to say, ‘Feelings follow commitment and motion creates emotion.’
I intentionally jumped into this before I even really wanted to, knowing I would never feel ‘ready.’ God saw fit to bring this child all the way to term, and healthily and happily – which I am so, so grateful for – and so once I made that initial commitment, the train left the station and showed up 9 months later without me having any say in the matter! Good thing too, as if I’d been able to overthink it and influence it, I probably would have stressed and second-guessed what is a miraculous process when left alone. Altogether, I absolutely loved pregnancy.
And at each stage I was so busy either researching what I needed to do to do it healthily and well, or simply running the other areas of my life, that I never thought too far ahead to how I might feel at the next stage.
And perhaps that’s for the best. Because if we knew in advance how deeply our hearts would be intertwined with someone or some situation, we might not take the risk to put them on the line.
- Emotional risks are worth it.
Always.
Trying to explain why would make it sound like I’m insane. It has to be experienced to be understood. But if you can guard your heart from any bitterness of being hurt or disappointed by being totally grounded in the experiential love of God for you, stepping out into loving and being loved is always worth the leap.
- The importance of preparation cannot be overstated.
It took me a while to get into the groove of acknowledging the fact that I was pregnant. I actually missed the first few recommended doctor’s appointments because I wasn’t fully aware that I needed to be under medical supervision.
But once I realized how many options I had and how intentional I was going to need to be in a system that was used to doing things one way, I became passionate about researching healthy pregnancy and birth!
We took natural birth classes through Birth Boot Camp, hired the most amazing doula, and I read books and books and websites and websites trying to piece together the best way to do this while listening to my body and following its lead.
When it was go time and labor was clearly underway, I had a phenomenal team and not a doubt in my mind that I would be able to see the baby all the way out without drugs unless something totally unexpected happened, and I give all credit for that to God and to months of intense and time consuming preparation and action.
The lesson? [ctt title=”Study before the test, practice before the game, prepare before you need to be able to perform.” tweet=”Study before the test, practice before the game, prepare before you need to be able to perform.” coverup=”mw3ze”]
- God’s design is unbelievably perfect.
It’s not always perfect down here. I know. Our miscarriage in 2014 taught me that. But when it does all come together, it’s spectacular and a total smack-you-in-the-face wake up reminder that God is completely in control, does not need your assistance or opinion to execute a massive project flawlessly, and is really, really good at what He does.
Thank God.
While I am still processing our entrance into this new season of life, one thing I do know: I am ecstatic about this, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
But I like to give myself time to fully internalize and grow into even what I expect will be one of my life’s greatest passions and joys.
And I am fully aware of the massiveness of this – to raise a new human being to seek and find and honor God, to be brave and holy, and to release her to do God’s work in a very scary and dangerous world. To attempt to give her as little baggage as possible (!), and to train her up to become a bold, Biblical, bombshell of a woman who fearlessly and compassionately spreads the Gospel.
If there’s one thing I’ve felt over and over in prayer in these last few weeks as I rather timidly reflect on what I’ve signed up for, it’s God reassuring me that He is going to give me everything I need to do this and to do it well. All I have to do is continue to be faithfully fearless and trust that He’s made me stronger than I know.
Believe me, beautiful, the same assurance is true for you and whatever you’re facing right now. Just stay faithfully fearless, take action before you feel ready, and take each day as it comes.
Expect much more in future months as this adventure unfolds.
Until then, little Juliette Victoire Noelle and I have lots of bonding to do. There is lots I’m called to teach her, and there is even more she will be teaching me.
Juliette Victoire Noelle – our ‘little Christmas victory’ – you are loved, you were worth every second, and somehow, you are going to change the world. You certainly have already changed ours. ♥
Love and Freedom,
Jackie
